I Hate Thomas Friedman

NOTE: I do not actually hate Thomas Friedman. The above title is an example of hyperbole (comic exaggeration for dramatic effect).

Thomas Friedman is a moron buttface dork-butt moron. I read his latest column during lunch today and freaked out the students playing Go in my room because I kept shouting “I hate you, Thomas!” and “Shut up, Thomas!”

Let’s break it down, piece by piece, to examine the stupid:

Underlying the latest U.S.-Israel spat over settlements is the deeper — real — problem:

First of all: What spat? You call that a spat? Whatever — we’ll come back to that later. You might naively think that he’s going to tell you what the real, deeper, really real problem is in the introduction paragraph, right? I mean, he’s all using colons and stuff. But noooooooo! He barely makes his point understood by the end of the freaking piece, and the colon is apparently just like a moustache on the sentence — it serves no purpose other than decoration.

He goes on to explain the differences between Salam Fayyad and Yasser Arafat. (Full disclosure: I helped proofread the YA article to prep it for FA status.) I’ll be honest and admit that I know very little about Fayyad’s strategy, so let’s just go with Mr. F there. But I know he’s full of crap here:

Iran’s strategy, explains Grinstein, is simple: Destroy Israel through a combination of asymmetric warfare […]  delegitimize Israel by accusing it of war crimes when it combats Hamas and Hezbollah, who fight while nested among civilians

Now I’m the first to agree that it’s horrible for Hamas and Hezbollah to fight while “nested among civilians”. But that doesn’t mean Israel isn’t guilty of war crimes! Iranians aren’t legitimately upset about war crimes. They’re just trying to “delegitimize Israel”! Nasty Iranians.

What about this crapola (again, about Iran’s supposed strategy):

“religiousize” the conflict by making it Muslims versus Jews, focusing on symbols like Jerusalem

Yeah! If only Iran would stop trying to “religiousize” the actions of a Jewish state that is building settlements on land it considers holy. Those stinking Iranians!

Or what about this:

and, finally, suck Israel into “imperial overstretch,” e.g., keep Israel occupying the 2.5 million Palestinians in the West Bank

So that’s why Israel refuses to withdraw to pre-1967 borders! They’re being tricked by those smelly Iranians! The bastards!!

Some of Friedman’s points — about the difficulty of Israel being democratic, expansive, and Jewish all at the same time, for example — are worthwhile and not stupid. But they’re not terribly insightful or important. And then he writes this nonsense:

If we are going to fight with Israel — or better yet, work with it — let’s do so over a big U.S. strategy that we think can shape a more stable Middle East.

Oh, yeah! We’re always ready to fight with Israel. In fact, Deviant Synapse recently acquired the following exclusive transcript of a recent argument with US and Israeli negotiators:

US Official: Dude, what’s with all the settlements when Biden’s in town?

Israeli Official: Whatever, schmuck-face. We needed to let the Palestinians know that we do whatever the xxxx we want whenever the xxxx we want. Having Biden in town just gave us more confidence. What are you gonna do?

US Official: That’s it. You’re only getting $2.3 billion in aid this year.

Thank goodness there are many excellent cartoons which also point out that Thomas Friedman is a stupid moron idiot jerk-butt. (Click for full-size images.)


Here’s Logorama, which won the Oscar for Best Animated Short this year. It’s very well-done and pretty twisted. There’s some bad words, so beware!

Today I’m listening to: Sadat X!

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