Equity for Equity

You know how Mitt Romney made all his money by running a private equity firm? You know how those firms buy struggling companies and make them more efficient, and then sell them off, making a hefty profit in the process?

Well tonight I was listening to a BusinessWeek podcast featuring an interview with a guy who has spent his life doing this stuff. And it hit me: Here’s how I’m going to make my first million dollars.

Private equity firms help improve all sorts of businesses — manufacturing, finance, service-sector, you name it. But what’s the only business that is not constantly subjected to efficiency upgrades and relentless waste-fighting measures?

Private equity firms!

So what I’m gonna do is become a private equity consultant for private equity firms! I’ll go to the board of directors of equity firms and say “I’ll bet your workers aren’t firing people and dismantling companies as efficiently as they could be.” And they can pay me a huge fee to stand over people like Mitt Romney with a stopwatch and lecture him on how to be more efficient.

Ka-ching! This idea is patent pending, by the way. If anyone wants to use it, I am hereby attaching the same stipulations from my “[your product] SUCKS” guerrilla marketing tactic that I came up with eight years ago. ($100K each to ETAN/US and the Alachua County Labor Party.)

I’m gonna be so rich.. I can’t wait. I’m gonna buy me some mink socks and a new iPad and a diamond collar for Tito.