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Thursday, May 27, 2004

The Ten Best Things About Walking My Dog 

(in no particular order)
  1. Our stone-faced mailman, who responds with a blank stare whenever I say "hi" or nod or wave.

  2. Annoying people in the neighborhood who insist that -- although I've made it clear that my dog likes to fight with other dogs -- she'll get along fine with their pets and we should come play.

  3. Carrying a bag of dog excrement. (Avoidance of this is one of the undeniable pleasures of living near a wooded area bordering a gas station.)

  4. Drivers who apparently believe that stop signs don't apply to them.

  5. Kids (and adults) who demand to know -- usually from across the street -- how come my dog's "only got one leg." Well, first of all, kid -- she's got three of them. "What happened to her other leg?" Now, just imagine I'm walking down the street with a friend who's missing a hand. Obviously, kids are curious, and maybe we can't blame the kid for asking in that case. But isn't it still horribly rude?

    Maybe I just get sick of answering the same question twice a day. I'm going to start making up fictitious answers: "She was mauling this person one time, because they asked me too many annoying questions, and the person whacked her leg with a baseball bat and we had to amputate."

  6. Neighbors who let their dogs run around loose. The dog inevitably comes running up to my dog, sniffing her butt; and because the owner is desperately trying to grab the errant hound, I have to stand still so the dog won't follow us.

  7. When my dog pauses three times to do her business (in a solid way) and I've only brought two napkins.

  8. Idiots who continue to engage in sightseeing by slowing down whilst driving past the spot where the house blew up down the block last month. "Yeah, that's where the house was that blew up," I imagine them saying to each other inside the car. "They moved all the debris away, but there's still a big hole in the ground."

  9. All the graffiti sprayed around the neighborhood by the phone and cable companies. If they're allowed to spraypaint on the sidewalk outside my house, I should be able to go put my tag on the walls of SBC HQ.

  10. My insane next-door neighbor, who insists on having this exchange every time I see her:
    Insane Neighbor: "What's your dog doing today?"

    Me: "Just going for a walk."

    IN: "Is that his favorite thing to do?"

    Me: "Well, she seems to enjoy it."
    (Notice how patiently but insistently I make it clear -- each and every time -- that my dog is female; each time we have the exchange, my dog becomes a "he" again. Also, she calls me Nick.)

Check out these Photoshopped versions of Far Side cartoons.

Today I'm listening to: Chris Rock!